We Are Your Friends
by Herr Schell
Summary: I wanted to ask her why she felt beaten. She told me to write a story. And this is where mine starts, in the middle of her universe.


**In One Day**

 _I'm quiet and I possess a stream of words. I can be noisy and I can be wide eyed and entranced, and most of the days, my aura is confused, observant and timid. I don't speak as often now, for the river has decided to flow rather than gush._

Mikan decided she'd stop for now. She felt hollow after writing just the first line, and God, she felt so disheartened and disillusioned.

Okay, depressing words. Stop now.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and imagined herself skipping from puddle to puddle, and ignoring the splashes. Pretty soon, the mud would weigh her down until she would have to forcibly and reluctantly address the dirty elephant in the room.

God, stop thinking so much.

She gathered her books and picked herself up, forcing strength into her walk as she left the library premises and walked toward the open fresh air.

It was welcoming.

 _"You're so beautiful."_  
She grimaced as the words floated around in her conscience.

Right.  
As if she hadn't heard this a thousand times over.  
Whatever.  
She knew there was no point in investing in such mild matters.  
Right, she was beautiful.  
And?  
What next?  
What would it do?  
How would it help her?

Exactly.

She knew she was a mess.  
She felt it in her being, how badly she needed to sort and clean out the dirt.

She knew she needed to do better. She knew her mind was quiet only after two hours of studying, or right now it would've sneered at her for being too lazy and apathetic.

How was that beautiful?  
She frowned.  
Collided with the bark of a tree.  
Apologised profusely.

Stopped and stared at the ants crawling upwards.  
Shook her head and smiled.

I wonder if guys would find this clumsiness adorable.

And the frown was back.  
What did it matter what guys thought?  
God, give it a rest, Mikan.

 **{}**

"Friday plans, bishes!" Koko screamed as class ended and the students started to pick up their haggard faces and leave to hound the cafeteria and their upset stomachs.

"I'm in," Anna quipped, her bushy hair flowing behind her like a demon. "I'm dead tired of staring at my parents faces anyways."  
"Why do you hate your parents' faces so much?" Mikan asked amusedly.  
"Because they never change!" She whined. "There's always the same wrinkles stuck on their skin, like come on, move."  
"You're so adorable." She laughed.  
"And weird," Yuu said apprehensively. "Like, who hates faces?"  
"I hate yours," Hotaru said blandly.  
The group laughed.  
"Always a pleasure, Imai," he muttered, swinging his bag over his shoulder and giving expectant stares to Koko. "So we going?"  
"Nah," Mikan said, stretching herself and grinning. "You guys go ahead. I'll just hang around."  
"And do what? Stalk your crushes? Honey, that's way too sad."  
She laughed. "I'm tired, you guys. Go, have fun. Some other day, maybe?"  
"You never come with us!" Anna whined, pouting. "What's so important in college?"  
"If she wants to stay, it's her choice," Hotaru said firmly. "Don't push her."

Mikan sighed in relief. Sometimes Hotaru was just the right kind of bitchy.  
She mouthed a thank you as Yuu and the rest shrugged and took their leave.  
She hated being alone.  
She felt awkward and out of place.  
But still.  
She picked up her books and headed toward the cafeteria, where she spotted the rest of her classmates.

She contemplated sitting with them before she made up her mind to visit the department and spot a few of her crushes, if she could.  
Oh God.  
This was so out of place.  
But she just wanted to see their faces.  
Just for a few minutes, maybe?  
She smiled to herself mischievously. A passerby stared at the devious grin that erupted, before she suppressed herself and resumed her sober, straight face.

She trudged up the stairs and into the hall, scanning for any potential second years. She spotted a few but grimaced with disappointment.  
He wasn't there.  
Oh well.  
She knew she shouldn't have kept expectations.

I wonder what's wrong with me nowadays.

"Hey," Nonoko called. Her head zipped up and she automatically smiled.  
"Hey!"  
"Are you okay?" She asked worriedly. "You were staring at your shoes right now."  
She smiled. "Yeah, I was just thinking! Don't worry, I'm fine. More importantly, what are you doing here?"  
Nonoko looked around. "I was checking the notice board for updates on the club."  
Mikan's eyes widened.  
Oh shit why hadn't she thought of that?  
She could hear her father's voice in her head.  
'Be vigilant and be quiet.'  
"Did you find anything?" She asked sulkily, angry at herself for forgetting her duties.  
Good thing she rejected koko's invitation.  
"No, not yet." She shook her head.  
Oh thank God. I was lucky.  
"I'll have to be vigilant from now on. I can't keep doing this." She bit on her lower lip. "Thank you for telling me, Nonoko."

And Nonoko was left speechless and confused as Mikan left briskly, not so much as sparing a glance to the second year approaching her vision.

 **{}**

 _God, I'm so hungry._

"This is so good!" Ruka muttered over his plate of chilli fries and chowmein, slurping and burping in between intervals.  
Mikan snorted. "You eat like a fucking maniac."  
He didn't reply. Food deserved attention.  
They ate in silence- Mikan occupied with chewing slowly and trying to savour each taste, while Ruka stuffing his face eagerly with fries and noodles at the same time.

They both paused to take a swig from the soda, both at different intervals, ignoring the flies buzzing over them noisily.

Mikan felt her liver dully ache as the soda registered into her stomach.  
She guiltily swallowed.  
She was having too much junk food nowadays.  
Her eating disorder would come back if she wasn't careful.  
'Don't waste too much money. Make home made food.'  
And in the cascading heat, occupied by other students with different stories, she placed her fork down and wiped her mouth with a spare tissue she almost rarely had.  
Ruka flicked her a look. "That's it? I bought this for the two of us."  
"I'll pay you," she said quietly, accepting the fact that the world ran on money and money alone. She rummaged through her bag softly, not wanting to take it for granted.  
"How much?" She asked, her fingers thrust inside her wallet.  
Ruka simply stared at her.  
"What?" She asked casually.  
"Are you fucking mad? Put that back." He demanded.  
"I said I'll pay!" She replied firmly. "I don't like taking people for granted."  
"You don't like taking anything!"  
"Ruka, stop being melodramatic. Just tell me how much I owe you."  
He banged his fork down. "You have got to be kidding me-"

"This is college, Ruka!" She snapped. "You don't have the luxury to treat me every fucking time you want! This isn't your money, this is your dad's! He's bloody well earned it just so you could stay in COLLEGE and get a goddamn degree! Now how much is it?"  
He fumed. "You think I'm gonna let you pay?"  
"You bloody well, asshole," she thundered. "I'm gonna give it anyway. I'm gonna leave the money on the goddamn table and I won't give a fuck."  
"Then don't," he growled, picking up his fork and stabbing it in the noodles. "I'm not taking it."

She stared at his sulking face for a few seconds, before mentally calculating the cost of both and dividing it by two.  
Her fingers took out a bunch of notes. She felt him tense up.  
Her hand crumpled up the notes as she leaned forward and shoved it inside his shirt.  
"What-"  
"My debt is paid," she muttered, avoiding close eye contact, picking up her bag and walking away.  
"Hey, wai-"  
She could feel him closing in on her.  
So she did what she could do best.  
She held her bag tightly, kicked her feet upon the ground. And ran.

The wind whipped around her as she pushed her legs and ignored the heavy weight upon her thighs.  
The wind made her feel free.  
And all of a sudden, she giggled.  
And she liked hearing her giggle.  
So she giggled some more, laughed a few times, before stopping outside the teaching block and catching her breath.  
She could hear his shouts of despair from behind, but she didn't mind. Her bag swung around her like a pendulum and she caught it to steady herself.  
And as she imagined herself from the looks of a passerby, she felt like falling in love with herself.  
Her eyes filled with tears and she sniffed a bit, wondering of the struggle within her.

I wonder when did it become difficult to live.

She walked quietly upstairs inside the block, walking slowly and morosely, aware of the ducks within her kicking the puddle beneath them as hard as they could.

She found a corner spot and sat there, taking off her flats. Her hand rummaged through her bag and produced a book.  
She stared at it for sometime.  
It just didn't excite her anymore.  
None of it did.  
She wished somebody from her class would come and sit beside her, and probably fall in love with her the way she was with herself.  
No one probably noticed her.  
Noticed her enough to fall deeply in adoration.  
But it was okay.  
She didn't need it anyways.  
It was okay.  
Nobody really cared.  
She had learnt that a long time ago.  
Expectation was the root of all disappointment.

She made a mental note to not get attached to people's promises and displays of affection.  
And wished she was strong enough to proudly show her wounds and dispel fear.  
She wished a lot.  
Like, how she wished she could be practical than idealistic.  
How she wished she could love without getting hurt.

In the humid afternoon of scented bees, she wished of a thousand suns and a hundred moons to keep her company.

 _When she was just a girl_  
 _She expected the world_  
 _But it flew away from her reach so_  
 _She ran away in her sleep._

 **{}**

 **Hey guys. My first story after a long time. Thank you for loving yourself enough to read this.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Gakuen Alice, nor the lyrics by Coldplay. Take care.**


End file.
